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Jon Stewart Quotes
«I have some sad news to report, Bjork could not be here tonight -- she was trying on her Oscar dress, and Dick Cheney shot her.»
«If you want to compare your show to a comedy show, you're more than welcome to ... You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls.»
«Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?»
«The top story, as always, is America remaining obsessed, fascinated -- appalled -- by what is now being called Dick-Cheney-Shot-a-Guy-in-the-Face-Gate. Not as catchy as others have been ...»
«It doesn't mean you're going to have a good pro career, or even do well in the bowl game. But to get to that point means something. Now you're in the club.»
«The field of play has become seriously unleveled as a result of the current rules. Our member schools have complained and asked that we find a way of fixing this problem.»
«Critics have noted Schwarzenegger's only previous government experience was serving under President Bush senior as Chairman of the Council of Physical Fitness, a largely symbolic office, where Schwarzenegger's only responsibility was doing hundreds of jumping jacks he was going to do anyway.»
«The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.»