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Jack Handy Quotes
«If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).»
«If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.»
«I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.»
«I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.»
«If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.»
«I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals»
«If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.»
Author: Jack Handy
(Writer)
| Keywords:
back away, back off, buck, bucks, buck up, falling off, falls, fall away, horse, right away, Right Back, think back
«I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.»
Author: Jack Handy
(Writer)
| Keywords:
decencies, decency, hospitality, luncheon, luncheons, potato, potato salad, pretending, run out, salad, throwing
«I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.»
Author: Jack Handy
(Writer)
| Keywords:
buried, burying ground, Higher Ground, high style, hit, Indian, rack, racked, racking, racks, style, the rack, up on